Mommy Monday

mommy-monday2

 

Guys. I know I’ve blogged about this before but OMG…my Pregnancy Brain is back. And not only that, its being mixed with a whole lotta Mom Brain as well. So when I saw this new parody from The Holderness Family, it spoke to my soul.

 

 

No lie, I poured coffee creamer in my mug the other morning and then put it up IN THE CABINET. Not the fridge where it belongs. The cabinet.

Imma go take a nap now.

Mommy Monday

mommy monday

 

Yes. I am still pregnant.

pregnant goat

 

Last Thursday I went to my doctor and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t be surprised if he came today! He’ll at least be here this weekend!” Of course I was overjoyed at hearing that! I’ve been so miserable, been in a lot of pain, and I’m so ready to be done being pregnant.

So Thursday went by.

Nothing.

Friday came and went.

Nothing.

Saturday came. I thought it was “go time”. I was having severe contracions that were close together and VERY painful. My mom came over to get Huff the Tot while huff the Hubs and I booked it to the hospital. We got checked in and sent up to Triage.

Nope. Nothing.

Even though I was having painful contractions every 4 minutes, they were not the “real labor” kind; the kind that dilates and lets the baby come out. So we left.

Then, I got a call from my family and they said that Hermione was running a temperature and was basically inconsolable. So immediately I started hysterically weeping. One, because my baby needed/wanted me and two, because I was just so frickin’-frackin’ frustrated that I wasn’t in real labor.

It was a good thing that I hadn’t gone into labor, though, because later that night, Huff the Tot woke up at 11:00 p.m., puking.

The three of us laid in Mommy and Daddy’s bed and got ZERO sleep. Oh, and did I mention that Saturday night we “sprang forward”?

Lizzy-McGuire

And, you guessed it, Sunday passed with no baby.

Sigh. 

So, yeah. I’m a little frustrated. And miserable. And I know in my heart he’ll come when he’s ready. But in my head, I’m like, “WILL YOU PLEASE JUST GET OUT?!”

And that’s why my blogs have been so scarce lately. But, I figure the best way to get my mind off the fact that I’m not in labor is to continue as I would. So you can expect new blogs this week! Woo!

Mommy Monday

mommy monday

 

Y’all, I’m 33 weeks. I feel like all I do is complain about my pregnancy: the lower back pain, the inability to sleep, the heartburn…sorry, I’m doing it again.

I realized today that I need to lighten up a little (well, as much as my hormones will let me-ha!) and I thought maybe there were some expectant mommas out there that were also having a rough go of it (and just mommas in general!) and I’ve found some funny videos that are sure to tickle your funny bone!

 

First up, an Iggy Azalea pardoy!

 

 

And, an added bonus, cutie-patootie Joseph Gordon-Levitt singing about how moms are basically the greatest people in the world:

 

Enjoy, mommas!

Mommy Monday

Mommy Monday2

 

Y’all, this whole “being-pregnant-while-chasing-a-toddler-and-moving-into-a-new-house-while-your-husband-starts-grad-school” thing is reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyyyy exhausting.

Seriously.

mommy monday tired jim

Don’t get me wrong, I totally see how my body is doing something incredibly amazing right now, growing a human and all. (I also read one of the reasons I’m so tired is because I’m also growing the placenta. And the placenta doesn’t really take over until the second trimester. Gah, placenta, do your freaking job! Why do I have to do EVERYTHING?!)

But dang, guys. I’m so freaking tired. I’ve been trying to keep up my workout schedule, thinking that it would give me more energy. Boy was I wrong.

I’ve been limiting myself to one Diet Dr. Pepper a day (okay, so its a Big Gulp. Bite me.) but it really isn’t helping.

Mommy Monday Caffeine Patch

So, I’m sending up the Batsignal.

This is one of those rare moments when I’m actually asking for advice.

mommy monday help a brotha

 

How did you keep your energy up/get shiz done while you were preggars (whether or not you were chasing a toddler–or many)? I know its only been two years and some change since I had Huff the Tot, but I can’t remember how I was able to get things accomplished while feeling like someone slipped me a mickey.

While you think about it, I’m going to go take a nap.

Mommy Monday

Mommy Monday3

When I was pregnant with Huff the Babe (I’m probably going to have to start calling her something else when this Little Peanut comes, huh?) I know I had morning sickness. But now, looking back, I can’t really remember it. Maybe it’s because I blocked it out. Or maybe I just can’t remember because the space in my memory that once held onto morning sickness memories has now been overtaken by theme songs to various children’s programming (thanks a lot, Tayo.) Either way, I don’t remember being this miserable.

 

Mommy Monday Morning Sickness Choke on Vomit

Granted, the morning sickness didn’t kick in full swing until 2 ½ weeks ago. And, at first, it was very light nausea. I’d eat something and it’d go away. Then I got the stomach bug and prayed for the Rapture.

 

All I want to do is complain 24/7 about how awful I feel, but I feel like I can’t. Some reasons are for others (i.e., no one wants to be around a Whiny Wally all the time and I know many women who would love to have morning sickness but can’t because of a variety of reasons). Some reasons, however, are because I don’t want to hear what other people have to say in response.

Mommy Monday Morning Sickness Irritated

Yes, I know that my morning sickness means the baby is doing well and is healthy and I totally get that. I want my Little Bean to be healthy. But I also want to feel like a human so I can get stuff done. It’s so difficult to work when you’d rather be sleeping and doing chores while feeling like you may vom is pretty much the modern woman’s torture.

Mommy Monday Morning Sickness

Every smell, odor, and scent is like a gut-punch. Even the stuff that once smelled good (lasagna, chocolate cake, coffee) makes you feel like you just rode The Texas Giant 12 times in a row without stopping.

*Raises glass of Sprite*

So here’s to the momma’s, both old and new, that have suffered with the debilitating morning sickness. Here’s to the women that breathe through their mouths as they walk through the breakroom at work so as not to smell their coworker’s stinky food. Here’s to the women that, rather than go on their lunch break, take a nap in their car and pay a cleaning service (or a family member) to scrub the bathroom. Here’s to the women that are so overcome with nausea and exhaustion during that first trimester that you turn on Doc McStuffins for your toddler so you can sleep on the couch. You are my tribe and I salute you.

*Takes a sip of Sprite and immediately feels nauseous*

Pregnancy Update

Yes, this is another pregnancy post.

 

I promise you’ll laugh though, so please spare me the eye rolls and exasperated sighs.

 

The first trimester, I hated being pregnant. I was sick, tired, and had ZERO energy.

there there gif

 

The second trimester, I LOVED being pregnant! I had energy, zero nausea, and was still working out 5 times a week!

high fiving a million angels

 

When I slowly started getting into the third trimester, things started to go south again…

 

My energy started to fade.

horizontal running 3

 

People started giving me their opinions on anything and everything baby-related, causing me to dig deep in my reserves of patience.

the lord is testing me

 

I also started noticing that my belly started getting bigger, causing more problems (physically and mentally).

No control over body or emotions

 

And at this point, even though I only have 6 weeks to go, I feel like crap.

everything hurts and i'm dying

 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…Although that tunnel includes me having to push a human out of my body. Which terrifies me and I imagine anything and everything that could go wrong.

Bella-and-her-baby

 

And as I get closer to my due date, I’ve been experiencing weird dreams…

dreams

 

…and even weirder pregnancy anomalies….

i just peed myself

 

…and the occasional bout of unexplainable rage.

where's my mac and cheese

 

But apparently, I hear its all worth it in the end.

jim pam baby

 

I just hope I can make it to that point without going Southside on the next person to ask me how to spell Hermione or whether or not we’re incorporating pink into our Star Wars nursery.

i will stab you

 

In the meantime, I think I’ll just settle down with a plate of Oreos, and take a nice nap.

flopping kitty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adventures in Pregnancy: The Dreaded Glucose Test

Ever since I got pregnant, women have been telling me things to “get ready for”. I knew some of them, but others were a little mind-boggling:

 

“You’ll never have dry underwear when you pee EVER AGAIN.” 

 

“Your stomach will NEVER shrink back to its original size.” 

 

“The days of getting 5 hours of sleep in row are long gone.” 

 

Each complaint varied from woman to woman, however the constant gripe was: “The glucose test is AWFUL.”

From the way many of my friends (and random women at Walmart) talked, the glucose test went something like this:

1. You can’t eat anything past noon the day before.

2. You can’t get to the doctor’s office until 9:00 a.m.

3. The nurse will give you a gallon size jug of the most disgusting beverage ever (think Drano with an orange aftertaste).

4. You have one hour to drink the Drano and the nurse watches you like a hawk shouting “Chug, chug, chug” like a frat-boy.

5. After you drink the entire thing you have to wait three hours. Then they take a bag of blood from your arm.

 

However, MY glucose test went like this:

1. Wake up at 5:30 so I could eat breakfast. (I only had to fast one hour beforehand.)

2. Get to DLO at 7:00 so I could drink the stuff.

3. Drink a very tiny bottle of a beverage that tasted like Orange Gatorade mixed with flat Orange Crush (it actually wasn’t difficult. It was kinda good, actually.):

"Who loves orange soda? I do, I do, I dooo-ooo!"

“Who loves orange soda? I do, I do, I dooo-ooo!”

4. Wait for an hour.

5. Go to the back and have the phlebotomist take two tiny vials of blood. (She was super gentle; I didn’t even feel the needle!)

6. Go about my merry way.

 

I seriously amped myself up for this awful, horrible, totally disgusting and emotionally exhausting event. But it wasn’t like that at all. I really don’t know why the glucose test gets such a bad rep….especially since labor and delivery seems like such a hum-dinger in comparison!

For all you expectant mommies who haven’t done the glucose test, try not to fret. I know everyone’s experiences are going to be different, but just know that there is one woman out there that didn’t sit in a corner in the fetal position crying because of the glucose test.

Pregnancy Anomaly

According to my pregnancy app (yes, I have that What to Expect What You’re Expecting app because pregnant brain does not allow me to remember how far a long I am) I am 25 weeks, 5 days along. Which means I only have 14 weeks and 2 days left of this pregnancy.

Up to now, I thought I had seen and experienced everything that pregnancy had to offer: nausea, spontaneous moments of fear, memory loss, and a complete loss of respect for gravity. That is, until now.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been noticing that I’ll be ravenous right before meals. Then, when I sit down to eat, expecting to inhale my food like a feral child, I’ll get a few bites in and then get tired of eating. I don’t get nauseous, I don’t get full, I actually get bored with the action of eating. I’m tired of it and I don’t want anymore.

Normally, the non-pregnant Jess would be excited: Woo! I’ll lose weight this way! 

But pregnant Jess thinks: Crap, I’m just going to get hungry in a few hours, which will make my stomach hurt. Why can’t I just eat?!

Let me tell you, I’ve never had a problem with eating. I. LOVE. FOOD. And since I’ve been with Huff the Hubs, I’ve tried all kinds of foreign cuisines. I’m up for trying just about anything. So I just don’t understand why eating is such a chore now.

Have any other preggos experienced this? Am I an anomaly? Should I get Mulder and Scully on the line?

Eating for two?

When I found out that I was pregnant, two thoughts entered my mind:

I’m going to be a mommy! 

and

Oh crap. I’m going to get fat. 

Having lost 40 lbs and kept it off for 5 years, there’s always been a nagging fear in the back of my mind: What if I gain all the weight back I worked so hard to lose? 

When I first started trying to lose the weight, I was a tad overzealous; counting every single minuscule calorie that entered my system and carefully working out so I could burn off the excess. As time went on, I learned to calm it down, dial back the crazy, and love my body. I allowed myself a treat now and then and tried to follow the 80/20 rule. So when I got pregnant, a part of me thought: Well, that’s all out the window! I can sit back and eat anything! 

Then I realized, I didn’t want to do that*. I like being fit. I like working out. I like running. I can honestly feel a difference in my body when I ate a grilled chicken sandwich rather than a Big Mac. Fruit made me feel better; fries made me sluggish. So I told myself I would still be healthy and try not to overindulge while I was pregnant^. (I knew there were risks to gaining too much weight during pregnancy and I want to give me and my baby the healthiest chance I can.) When I said this to some people (whether they be friends, family, or random people at Target) you would’ve thought I was the worst person in the world.

“You shouldn’t starve yourself!” 

Don’t you know you need to gain a lot during pregnancy?” 

“Isn’t eating the point of pregnancy?” 

Those comments were easy to let roll off my back. I knew those people said that because they probably thought that what I meant by “healthy” was eating a bowl of dried fruit and a glass of water and that was it. Trust me, I loves my food. I eat.

The comments I wasn’t able to let go of were the ones like this:

“You may think pregnancy is easy now, but that’s because you’re not fat yet.”  (<–Someone’s exact words. Yeah.)

That got me thinking: Why do people associate fat with pregnancy? 

Its not fat, its a baby.

That has been my mantra during this pregnancy. I’m not gaining weight because I’m sitting in front of the refrigerator, swallowing everything in sight. I’m growing a human. And let me tell ya, its not easy. So when I see pictures of Kim Kardashian with her growing belly and a headline that reads: “Kim Fat During Pregnancy!” it makes me cringe. Mostly because at first I was like Nelson from The Simpsons, pointing and laughing. (The Kardashians really bring out the Regina George in me.) But then I scolded myself because I had to remember that she’s a woman too. Not just a woman, a pregnant woman. And she’s probably hormonal and I’m sure she sees these headlines and wonders: “Am I not good enough? Am I gaining too much weight?”

Its not fat, Kim, its a baby.

"The only thing big about me is my paycheck that I get for doing nothing."

“The only thing big about me is my paycheck that I get for doing nothing.”

Its tough to be pregnant and adjust to a growing body. Its even harder when you’re pregnant and in the limelight. And, the fact that Princess Kate is skipping around the UK looking adorbs with her tiny bump doesn’t really help other preggos’ self-esteem.

Dainty Katie

Dainty Katie

But you know what? That’s okay. Kate’s body is different than Kim’s. Its different than mine. And I’m okay with that. And Kim should be too.

Yes, I watch what I eat. Yes, I still workout. And yes, after Hermione gets here, I will work to lose the baby weight and get fit again. Why? Not because I’m selfish and not because I’m vain. I’ll workout because it helps me feel better (those endorphins are real!), it gives me more energy (don’t all new moms need that?), and because I want to set an example for a healthy lifestyle to my daughter. Does that mean I won’t let her have candy now and then? Of course not! But it does mean I’ll encourage fruits, veggies, and whole grains to help her feel good. 

And until Hermione arrives, I’ll eat my organic eggs for breakfast along with the occasional doughnut. And you know what I’ll be thinking the whole time?

Its not fat, its a baby. 

 

 

 

 

 

*If you choose to eat whatever you want, that’s fine; there is no judgement from me. I’m just saying what was a priority for me, what want to do. Everyone’s different.

^Granted, the first trimester I was so nauseous  all I ate was French fries, plain baked potatoes, tater tots, and Funyuns. If it sounded good, I ate it. Now that the nausea is gone, I can go back to my normal eating habits.